A few days ago, I noticed big ugly bruises on my legs. This spiraled down a steep sloop into the "I have leukemia" certainties, followed by a panic attack. When I spilled my guts, tears and fears to my husband, he looked at me with a small smile and said "You're turning into Bob." (You know, 1991 comedy starring Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss?) This made me laugh and cry at the same time, because IT'S SO TRUE! And I have totally resorted to baby steps, desperation, hypochondreism (sp?) and a therapist that I totally see myself latching onto with hope for a cure. (Death Therapy anyone?)
But seriously, I am really going to like my therapist (despite his name being Donald. Poor guy.) He let me talk for half an hour, asked questions (TOTALLY searching for traumatic childhood experiences. None to be found, sorry.) and then spent the last half hour giving me things to practice. Relaxation and breathing techniques, centering prayers, being mindful of my 5 senses, and something called using my "Wise Mind." But since I am a Sherlock Holmes fan, I shall call it my "Mind Palace." Basically my Mind Palace is the smart, non-feeling, nonjudgmental, observing part of my brain. My life is on the stage, and in my Mind Palace, I am on the balcony, just observing what is happening. While I am in my Mind Palace, I can recite a specific scripture, or hymn, or think of all the simple things I am grateful for. I can observe that I am feeling anxiety. I can observe the bruises or the pain that sparked the anxiety. I can accept that I am feeling anxiety, don't try to stop it, note that it won't last forever, observe that it is uncomfortable and I will be fine soon. I am to practice this several times. Especially when I feel fine. This will pull me out of the future and bring me back into the present. He asked me if I fear brain tumors when I get migraines. I told him, no, and he said that I am already using my Mind Palace with my migraines and now I need to use it with other pains or fears I have. I thought it was all very interesting. I have another appointment next week.
I have hope now. I have hope that even if I do get cancer, I won't lose my mind. I have hope that I can face any of life's challenges and not lose my ability to function. I'm not there yet, but hopefully with practice, therapy, Zoloft and my faith, I will get there. I will overcome these dark feelings. I will be me again. That will be a happy day.
So now I am off to do some laundry and then go visit my Mind Palace. Sharon over and out!
2 comments:
I'm so glad things are looking up, I've been thinking about you.
The Mind Palace bit is A. genius and B. hilarious (in the wonderful way) that you have something in common with Sherlock now.
I'm going to see you, like, tomorrow, but since I'm just now seeing this post I will thank you for the reminder that I so desperately need today that "this" will not last forever and I will be me again.
Also, I always think its funny at the bottom of these comment screens that it asks us to "Choose an identity". Sometimes it makes me want to choose a new one altogether :) See you soon!
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