"What About Bob?" and my newfound hope

A few days ago, I noticed big ugly bruises on my legs. This spiraled down a steep sloop into the "I have leukemia" certainties, followed by a panic attack. When I spilled my guts, tears and fears to my husband, he looked at me with a small smile and said "You're turning into Bob." (You know, 1991 comedy starring Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss?) This made me laugh and cry at the same time, because IT'S SO TRUE!  And I have totally resorted to baby steps, desperation, hypochondreism (sp?) and a therapist that I totally see myself latching onto with hope for a cure. (Death Therapy anyone?)

But seriously, I am really going to like my therapist (despite his name being Donald. Poor guy.) He let me talk for half an hour, asked questions (TOTALLY searching for traumatic childhood experiences. None to be found, sorry.) and then spent the last half hour giving me things to practice. Relaxation and breathing techniques, centering prayers, being mindful of my 5 senses, and something called using my "Wise Mind." But since I am a Sherlock Holmes fan, I shall call it my "Mind Palace."  Basically my Mind Palace is the smart, non-feeling, nonjudgmental, observing part of my brain. My life is on the stage, and in my Mind Palace, I am on the balcony, just observing what is happening. While I am in my Mind Palace, I can recite a specific scripture, or hymn, or think of all the simple things I am grateful for. I can observe that I am feeling anxiety. I can observe the bruises or the pain that sparked the anxiety. I can accept that I am feeling anxiety, don't try to stop it, note that it won't last forever, observe that it is uncomfortable and I will be fine soon. I am to practice this several times. Especially when I feel fine. This will pull me out of the future and bring me back into the present.  He asked me if I fear brain tumors when I get migraines. I told him, no, and he said that I am already using my Mind Palace with my migraines and now I need to use it with other pains or fears I have. I thought it was all very interesting. I have another appointment next week.

I have hope now. I have hope that even if I do get cancer, I won't lose my mind. I have hope that I can face any of life's challenges and not lose my ability to function. I'm not there yet, but hopefully with practice, therapy, Zoloft and my faith, I will get there. I will overcome these dark feelings. I will be me again. That will be a happy day.

So now I am off to do some laundry and then go visit my Mind Palace. Sharon over and out!

A glimpse at the month of June...

One day while the kids were at school, (they didn't get out until the 13th) and I was "sick" on the couch, Sylas pushed a chair up to the sink and "washed" the dishes for me. Golly, I love that kid. He has such a big heart.

I also love finding pictures like this on my phone.

First swim team practice of the summer. They are quite a bit tanner now...

Ander's boat for the rain gutter regatta

Family temple day. The primary leaders watched all the kids while Lohn and I attended the temple. I just love those leaders for helping us have that opportunity!

Sylas's first swim meet of the season. Isn't he a cute little bug?!

Our newest family member. I love her. I haven't named her yet. I'm thinking Dolores or Constance. Lohn says those names are too old, our van is more like a teenager. No way. This van is as matronly as they come.

Sylas's preschool graduation party. So grateful I got to help teach him over the last 2 years, and so grateful for the other mammas that help him be ready for kindergarten!

Gunnar got the Eagle in Excellence award at school. Cause he is awesome.

Cuteness overload

My boys. Love them. (Sniff)

This is how we greeted Tamsyn at the bus stop on her last day of school. 

We did it to the boys too. No pictures of that though. I can't always be a good mom :/

 For $80, Ander got to spend 5 days at Day camp with the cub scouts and pass off bunches of achievements. But in order for him to do this, I had to do time as a chaperone. 8 hours of 90+ heat in an open field.  I am glad I got to spend the day suffering having fun with him though. 

While Amy, Ryan and their girls went to Trek, I went to their house to watch their boys. I only took the two littles with me, and we spent 3 days partying and having fun with cousins. Here we are at Sweet frog...

While the kids ran amok in Amy's house, I made these for my friend who just had a baby. 

I found these at the grocery store. 

Behold, Cadbury Mini Eggs. The Big Bag. For $1.74. I bought 7. Ahem. Don't judge me.

Last night's swim meet. Every kid improved on their times. 

This is Sylas asking Lohn, "Which tunnel would you go down?" He must have been doing this in front of the mirror and noticed it looked like tunnels in his mouth.  Lohn looked in his mouth and said, "Neither. They both look like tunnels I should stay out of."

My health update: I am doing much better! Still not 100%, but there have been several days that I felt like me again. I love that!  I have an appointment with a shrink therapist next week. I am skeptical, but I have hopes that maybe they can help me with my thinking process so I don't jump from bruise to "I have leukemia!" or stomach ache to "I have cancer!" (Yes, I did both of these in the last two weeks.) Life is full of challenges, some incredibly difficult, and I am going to have to endure some of it. I am hoping to get my brain in the right place so I don't have another melt down like I did in May. I am so grateful for all my friends and family that have offered support. I love you all!