A post in which I "come out" about my anxiety.

I have always been an anxious person. I get diarrhea if I have to speak in church, I obsess when my kids are sick, and I irrationally fear suffering. But for the most part, I have been able to live a normal life, function and be happy.

On May 1st, I found fleas on my cat. I went into a crazed, obsessed person trying to rid my house of the yuckies. On May 5th, our credit card number was stolen. On May 6th, I went to get my IUD replaced, but after an hour of searching, the doctor was unable to get it out, and told me I would need to be put under in the operating room for removal.

This broke me.

At first I thought I had the flu. With a low grade fever, diarrhea, vomiting and weak muscles, who would doubt? But after 3 weeks, 15 pounds less, 2 trips to the ER, multiple blood tests, and urinalysis, the doctors could find nothing physically wrong with me. At this point, I talked to another doctor, and when I described my symptoms, she told me that it sounded like I was having panic attacks. Sometimes, multiple times a day.

A panic attack is a very dark and scary place to go to. I wake up every single morning with a pounding heart, nauseousness, diarrhea and numbness in my hands and feet. But the worst part is what is going on inside my head. "I am really sick. Something is wrong with me. I think I am dying. Who will take care of the kids. What will happen if my 5 year old finds me dead on the floor. I better not lock the doors in case the emergency personnel need to get in. I don't want to die, I don't want to die." These thoughts are followed by frantic calls/texts to my husband begging him to come home and take care of me.

After my husband missed too much work tending to me, my wonderful Mother-in-Law flew out to help. I'm pretty sure I freaked her out with my agitated shivering, rocking back and forth, dilated pupils,  staring off into space, puking, and inability to function. She was wonderful to drive me and the kids where we needed to go, do grocery shopping for me and help me get to medical appointments. When I was on the brink, she gave me hugs and words of encouragement. I could not have done it without her.

Today I am doing better. I was able to go for a short walk, my vomiting has ceased, and everyday, I am a smidgen better. It's a slow process and I still struggle, but I am on the path to healing. I have learned a few things that help me deal with my panic attacks and anxiety that I would like to share.

1. Learn all you can about anxiety and panic attacks.
So much of what stressed me out was thinking there was something really wrong with me. Once I realized my symptoms were caused by anxiety, I stopped worrying so much about dying. And once I realized what a panic attack was, I could recognize when mine started to set in. So read up on it. The internet is overflowing with helpful information.
2. Get a Priesthood blessing
I have had multiple Priesthood Blessings for comfort. And after each blessing, I write down all I can remember that I was blessed with. When I am in the middle of a panic attack, I am desperate for comfort, and it isn't always feasible, or right, to have a blessing every single time I freak out. Writing down what I was blessed with has been helpful, because each time I start to fall apart, I reread the blessings promised. This reminds me that I am going to get better,  I am not going to be like this forever, and I will overcome this. (If you are not LDS, I recommend asking your LDS neighbor for one. They are so helpful!)
3. Surround yourself with people.
When I have anxiety, being home alone is the absolute worst possible place for me. Don't avoid church, parties, meetings, etc. Being surrounded by people is a great distraction, and those are the times when I have felt almost normal over the last month.
4. Tell people what you are dealing with.
After losing 15 pounds, and a missing a month of church, people start to notice something is up, and they ask how I am doing. This is when I say, "I'm getting better, but I'm not 100% yet." And this is usually followed by an explanation of what I've been dealing with. It's interesting the responses I've gotten. One person said "Oh, I'm sorry," and then backed away from me like I was contagious. But for the most part, everyone has been very kind and sympathetic. And these are the people who know someone who deals with anxiety or they have had a panic attack themselves at some point. Owning up to my illness, and sharing my experience, is helping me to cope. And when someone opens up about their similar problems, my load feels lighter. I need to know I am not the only one! (Hence this blog post…)
5. Pray, Pray, Pray.
Pray when you are having an attack, pray when you have anxiety, and ask others to pray for you. When I am having a hard time, I send a text out to my husband to pray for me. I have asked my mom to put my name on the prayer roll in the temple.
6. Comedy is good.
I highly encourage as many episodes of Seinfeld, Studio C, or anything funny and light hearted that you can watch. I avoid dramas these days, as they have brought on panic attacks a few times. And laughing is good for my anxiety. I also have been rereading some of my favorite books. I stick with the ones I know are light and fun to read. (Shannon Hale!)
7. Go ahead and cry.
I hate crying. Hate it. It turns me into a wet, snotty mess. But lately, one of the best things for me, is calling my mom, and crying out all the things that scare me. And she slowly talks me back into a human being again.
8. Medication?
Actually, the jury is still out on this one. I have been on Zoloft for the last 2.5 weeks, which is too soon to know if it helps yet. But I do have a fast acting pill that calms me within minutes that I use for my panic attacks. It's wonderful.  But since it is highly addictive, I am careful to not use it often. (Xanax made me worse, although I have a friend that has success with it) And since I have this fast acting pill, I am not as scared to leave the house.

This list is not complete, and I am still learning what helps me. I want to explore therapy, and relaxation techniques. I am open to herbal and natural remedies as well. I am new to this, and I am hoping there are others out there that can share with me their stories and what helps them.

And to those of you that read this and think "Oh, I'm sorry," and take a creeped-out step away from me, just imagine me with my hands up in attack position and hear me yell "Boo!" Ha!